Where Am I?

I’ve gotten behind in telling you of my misadventures. We need to catch-up. What caused me to get behind is where I need to begin.


My parents are both living and until December 2009 they were living independently in their own house. Well, trying to live independently might be more accurate. It was very important to them to live life the way they wanted. Nor did they want to be a burden on anyone. The fact of the matter was they needed help just to cover the basics and they tried to cover over or hide most of their memory issues by living on fast food – breakfast, lunch and dinner, and concealing any other events that might prove they were incapable of doing it on their own. The fast food routine (consisting of McDonalds in the morning, and KFC, CiCi’s Pizza, or Arby’s in the afternoon) may have even begun as a measure to conceal problems. The pattern began after I found potatoes burning on the stove one evening and neither could smell or hear what was going on. By the way, we took meals in only to find them still in the refrigerator, days later. Who knows why? It could be they forgot them or that by eating them, they would be admitting they need help. Or maybe they just needed to “get out.”

Other things, like the less-than-routine bills not on bank draft were another problem. One might find an insurance refund in the garage under some stuff 4 months after the postmark date on the envelop, or realize a doctor’s bill was unpaid when I found a “final” statement even though the check register showed the bill had been paid. Someone might even ask, “What happened to the check?” His response was always, “We take care of what needs doing.”

Maybe I was also a bit complicit in their daily-life cover-up of inadequacies. Indeed, I had learned to avoid the few “Hot Button” topics, like giving up driving and moving into an assisted living facility. I also managed to give them their medications every evening after work so I knew they had taken them.


Then there were the household repairs that needed to be made. They didn’t want anything fixed. My dad would complain about the noise. He didn’t want repairmen in the house. It was hard to tell if they just didn’t want to pay anyone to do something, or the fact that he would have to get out of his chair to accommodate the repairmen. Did I say they just didn’t tell you about things that needed attention. It was hard to tell if it was unintentional or part of the cover-up.

So, even after all the concessions, they were not always agreeable and their attempts to not be a burden were becoming a real burden.

Then in December my mother went into the hospital with an infection. A day or two before she was to return home, my brother and I gave them a choice, move into an assisted living facility or agree to have home health care assistance. Not surprisingly my dad chose home health. Then someone ran into my dad’s SUV (ironically, he was not driving it) and it was “totaled.”

And so the story cycled to the issue of the car. It became his obsession. Simply, put, my brother and I could not let him get another car and so it appeared the world was conspiring against him as I had gone to all the car dealerships in the area and told them not to sell this man a car. They were all agreeable.

After two months our mother went into the hospital again and my dad went in shortly thereafter. At that point my brother and I moved them into an assisted. Several years ago they had given us power of attorney. We gave them no choice.

They are now living in an assisted living memory unit. It is new and smaller than most such facilities. There is a large fenced courtyard for them in which they can sit as well as help staff grow a few vegetables and flowers. Mom enjoys music and games every day. Her memory continues to decline rapidly. Pop enjoys one big reclining chair. After seven months they have adjusted to their new surroundings. The staff there is great. Children, grandchildren, two nieces and even great grandchildren have visited them. I’ve included a video clip of three of their great grandchildren entertaining them - two of them are “clogging.” Other photos are of them and their room. We don’t talk about the car or the house. It’s a good thing.




Pop does ask, “Where am I?” He does on every visit I make to see them. He may ask it several times. It appears to me that relationships (with people and places) remain important to know who we are and that we are secure.

Our remembrances of the past seem to help us all. What am I learning? I am working at being more flexible and agreeable to the notions that my children and grandchildren have about where I need to be and what I need to do. If I heed their advice and encouragement and they seek whatever wisdom I might have, perhaps all will go smoothly. Hopefully I can establish a pattern of it that will endure into my senior years. I suppose we call this communication.


Just as God sought to speak to Israel (Isaiah 1.18 says, “Come, let us reason together.”) I need to be continually open to His will and to what my children have to say.

Biblical References:

1 Timothy 5.1 says, “Engage with and encourage the elderly.”

Proverbs 12.15 – Wise men listen to counsel (even elderly men and women).

Ecclesiastes 12.1-8 – “Acknowledge God and establish a godly pattern of living before you are confronted with an endless run of trouble and physical problems, and you say, “Life isn’t worth living any more.” When you say, “Life is gloomy; my hands and legs are unsure and I’m prone to fall; my shoulders and back are no longer strong; my teeth are few; I no longer see well and I have a hard time hearing birds sing; I’m unable to sleep well; I’m afraid of falling; I’m crippled because I’ve had a stroke; I no longer have any sexual desire. All that awaits me is death. So it is that we all die and return to dust. So it is, those who mourn us yet live on. So it is that the sprit of God within us will return to Him.

2 Corinthians 4.16 – Do not give up becoming who you need to become, even though your body is falling apart and you are getting old and eventually will die.

1 Timothy 5.1-2 - Do not ignore or give older men a difficult time, but encourage them as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and with all propriety, the younger women as sisters.